Monday, April 8, 2013

F*ck this B!tch, and Here's Why!

Happy Monday, y'all! 

Just kidding, everyone fucking hates Mondays. I know this. Luckily, I don't anymore because I quit my desk job last year and got my soul back. But they used to make me physically nauseated on Sunday nights just ominously looming in my mind, closer with every hour that passed. So maybe remembering that frame of mind reminded me of something else I hate, and I need to share, cuz it's gross.  It's one of the biggest problems with our world today: this Payless commercial.  Watch it and then read on if you're as disgusted as I.  If not, go read some other blog about crafting, or shopping, or some shit.  

If I ever am somehow guilted into buying my ratty kids new shoes because of a "look" from some cunt that either birthed me or birthed my husband (it doesn't say whether this is her cunt mom or her cunt mother-in-law), just kill me.  That bitch can give that look all she wants at the wrinkles in KIDS' clothes or scuffs on KIDS' shoes forever, til her fucking face sticks that way, and I won't give a damn. Ain't no bitch gonna give me some passive aggressive look and sigh and expect me to run my busy, mother-of-multiple-children-and-a-career-having ass over to some shoe store so she doesn't have to silently be a bitch.  Take your look and shove it. And shame on you, Payless, for giving any merit to this old bat's rude passive aggression. Wrong marketing campaign.  Fail.  Quit it.  I mean, you can tell how messed up this young mother is from all this by her creepy, stuck-in-childhood hair clip tightly pulling her hair form her temples.  All from this crabby old skank.  Shame on you Payless, and shame on any woman who would take this bullshit and acquiesce to it.  In my Payless commercial, you would've seen kids being messy and having fun and scuffing their shoes, like kids do, some bag of skin bitch giving their mom the "look," and her response being on my favorite phrases, "Really?  Well, YOU'RE LOOKIN OLD BITCH!"  

Love you guys; see you next time!

Durty C, OUT. 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Comedy is Fun.

Yo yo, chickenheads.

So today is just one of those pretty great days. It started out with me getting home at 2:30 in the a.m. from a show in Madison, WI.  I got to roadtrip with some fabulosooo ladies, and if you know me, roadtripping is pretty much my favorite thing to do besides eating taco bell. Then when we arrived, we went to Nitty Gritty and ate cheese curds. Hello. Then we did some fun comedy for a packed house of people who've never seen us before, which the booker liked so he booked us all for next month. Then we got ice cream!  I also got to tell people to follow me on twitter @nipplehut, which is always a delight.  I knew it was gonna be a good time though, cuz I had a hip hop omen. This is when a hip hop songs come into my life at a very poignant time to indicate where my life is going. VERY exact science, people.  When we walked into the comedy club, there was an acoustic version of a Lil Wayne song playing, in which he was singing slowly and soulfully the words, "Young muuuuuula baaaaaby." Come on. That does NOT just happen.  And it's times like those that you know.  You just know. Things are about to get real real. And by that I mean amazing.  So that's all before the sun rose.  

As for the remainder of today, "Rack City Bitch" came on Pandora, and so did T-Pain's masterpiece "Booty Wurk," I got 3 new followers on the twitter twat, I got booked for another great show for August,  AND, I got a bikini wax. I KNOW!  So look out world, I'm comedically fulfilled, waxed, and ready to party.  Let's take this life thing and smash it like a fat kid on a weak chair.  

(If you need a visual aid, LIKE THIS.)  

You're welcome. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Hello again!  

As an addendum to yesterday's intro post, I wanted to show you what crazy looks like.  I mentioned the email that I sent announcing my fake comedy tour to my friends.  I've attached it below for your viewing pleasure.  I can imagine they were as frightened as you are. 

Email Subject:   Announcing "GOING ROGUE: Colleen Farrell Stand-Up Comedy Tour 2013" coming to a basement in YOUR house/apt. building”

Yeah that's right. Be afraid. Very afraid. Hide ya kids. Hide ya hubs...

So, if you're receiving this email, it is because u made the mistake a couple weeks ago, many years ago, or at my birth, of becoming my friend, relative, or someone I'd like to take advantage of. And I wanna freeload with YOU under the ruse of a comedy tour.  

"Haven't you been doing stand-up for like less than a year?  and now you're scheduling your own tour? for no fans? cuz no one besides us knows about you?" 

Yes, yes, and YES! and if you don't like it, in marlene's famously warned-against phrase, "EAT A DICK." 

Here's the deal.  I'm an excellent** (**self-proclaimed and questionable) comedian with no job and nothing holding me in Chicago for a few months, for the 1st time in a long time. cuz I do seasonal work and also my sketch group thought it'd be a fucking EXCELLENT idea to start impregnating people and getting all our peeps knocked up. so not as much going on with that. also, i have been too busy in the past to visit all of you who have moved to cool places, and i'm mad at my dumb selfish self. 

so i wanna stay in your basement for a couple days next to that stinky cat you hate, hang out with you, talk about old times and laugh with you for inspiration to write new comedy material, and perform it at night on some stage i find.  i will also be shamelessly drinking, writing, filming, and posting videos for my youtube channel (not all will be stage videos. some will be me singing in the car, harassing flight attendants, playing tricks on young men whom i call nuggets and laugh at them, and doing shots with you and your pets.) ((off your pets.))  who knows, if this blog gets a following, maybe i'll get to write for esteemed publications like the red eye. this paper is free in chicago and used as bums' toilet paper.  shoot for the stars.  

if this message scares the shit out of you, please reply with "you were drunk at my wedding; please don't ruin any more days of my life." and just go ahead and reply all with that, so you guys know you're not alone.  

if you're not scared to death, please let me know any black out dates, so i can start coming up with a tour schedule.  black outs include days you will be popping out a kid, delivering said kid, out of town, having an extremely invasive pap schmear, or plan on actually being blacked out. although those days, i would actually prefer to black out with you.  

because, when you have no established career, or idea where your life is going, not a lot of savings in an economic climate where you could definitely be homeless any minute, and not much stand-up credits to your name, why not start your own tour to hang out on different stages with friends u like to hang with and write a completely inane book about it???  
i can't think of 1 reason why not!!!!

love you guys,

possibly losing it, 


Thanks for reading.  See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

So THIS is happening...

Hello world!

I'm Colleen, and I'm a comedian.  (Whew, those 12-step places are onto something; I feel better already!)  So I woke up a few months ago and thought, "you know what's a shame?  We have this whole big internet, but no real presence of useless crap content and/or thoughts of nobodies' to read every day."  To which one of my friends responded: "Yeah there is. There's a ton of that!" Thanks Anna Sachdeva, queen of sarcasm perception. (To her credit, she had like 3 glasses of wine at that point, and it was a loud bar.)  But anyway, I wanted to pick up the universe's slack and give an otherwise devoid-of-crap-to-read nation a reason to go on surfing and reading. Also, my mom called me up and said, "Hey, when are you coming in town for xmas, what food should I make, and also, why haven't you written a book yet?"  So this random thought was the first inspiration I had to start a blog instead.

Now, there are multiple reasons I started this ridiculous blog. The first was that upon my seasonal tour guide job coming to a close for a few months and income coming to a screeching halt, I needed to figure out what to do with my time.  So in an effort to swindle money from my parents in case I ran out (which I did), have an excuse to escape the brutal Chicago winter, and visit friends across the country I hadn't seen in a while, I staged a fake comedy tour.  I believe the title was "GOING ROGUE: Colleen Farrell Stand-Up Comedy Tour 2013" coming to a basement in YOUR house/apt. building.  I successfully tricked my parents into believing I needed this time to expand creatively, do some writing and comedy on other cities' stages, shake things up, and hang out at home. This last part got em because they just wanted me home for a little while since I haven't had that opportunity too often in the last few years. Hook, line, and sinker. 

Then, my adorable and brilliant, marketing-minded roomie, Lolita, decided my mom was right, and if not a book, I needed to start writing content online to document the adventures of my purse-whiskey-swigging life.  "What is Purse Whiskey?" you ask.  Stay tuned.  (Honorable mention goes to my long-time friend, Melissa Hirsu, who upon reading this idea in an email stated, "What?! I told you to write a book when we were in college!" So thanks, Hirs!)  And thanks to these ladies' help, and that of my other expert blogger friend, Natty Michelle, (follow her blog too!) who helped me set it up, I did it.  The blog is now ready to launch, I kicked off the tour in Cleveland (a 6-hour road trip with 3 other comedy gals to do a tight 5 minutes in the basement of a bar!), from there to New Orleans, Atlanta, Athens, L.A., and San Francisco, all between January and now.  It was an amazing time with great friends, and some really fun comedy.  

So that's how all this magic started.  I love writing and performing sketch comedy as I've done for the last 6 years with my fabulous group, Butch LaRue, and doing stand-up as well, which I started just under 2 years ago. But if you know me, you already know, or hopefully you'll get by reading this, that my fun and the best comedy moments in my life happen spontaneously when I'm either on my way to perform comedy, having wine and party conversation, around the dinner table with my fam in New Orleans, or just hanging with friends and living the real comedy, my life.  So I wanted to document my stories, and I hope you enjoy them.  

I'll keep filling you in on fun tidbits of my rogue comedy tour, any other adventures, road trips to comedy clubs, bar fights, etc.  Thanks for reading, and welcome into my life!